Today's thoughts

Words.This being the third time I've gone through this I have learned much about the grief process I wish I didn't know. A big part is people have no idea what to say. Really it doesn't matter what anyone says because nothing can "fix" it or make me feel better. One thing that I know I don't like is the term, "We lost my ......" My Mom, dad, sister is not lost.  I know exactly where they are. Whenever I miss them I try to think of it like they moved. Moved to paradise. They are so happy. Will said yesterday he wants to be rich enough to build stairs to Heaven so he can visit. The truth is if that were even possible we wouldn't visit. We would move there too. Never wanting to come back. If you knew my sister you know that when we get there she is going to rub it in that she got 8 years with just dad and now she has both of them all to herself. So now I say "They are with the Lord" or "Passed on" not away but on.

One more day

Today we bury my mom. I went this morning to pick up the urn. I wasn't sure it that was going to be hard or not. Really at this point I'm ok. She is not there. What she left here on this earth will be placed with my dad today. Will said a few days ago that he thinks married people should aways be together. If they are in heaven or here. They shouldn't be apart. Wisdom from a six year old. I'm certain my mom is telling everyone about these crazy kids as we speak.

One week ago

As I sit at my computer, trying to regain a new schedule to my life. I am reminded that here is where I was siting one week ago when my sister called to tell me. Still not certain what life looks like without her. I am very certain that I don't want to know. My days are filled with highs and lows. Yesterday I cried at someone singing happy birthday. My mom would call at the crack of dawn and sing happy birthday. If I didn't answer she would leave it on the recorder. I'm sad because I erased all my old messages last week. I wish I could here her voice right now. Yes, there is comfort in knowing how happy she, my dad, and sister are right now. But there is a big selfish me that wishes she were with us.

Sent to me

This was in my inbox today.
7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably
react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the
reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock
provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This
may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears
off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although
excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience
the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with
alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over
things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and
scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration
gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for
the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent
damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release
of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning
"Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be
for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just
bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just
when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a
long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a
normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning
outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this
stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the
true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate
yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and
focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or
despair.

7 Stages of Grief...

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As
you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a
little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and
your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As
you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you
will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by
life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and
financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without
him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last
of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal
with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily
mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have
experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that
existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

7 stages of grief...

You
will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future.
Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without
pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once
again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again
in the experience of living.

Perceptions

Sorry I'm not in a light-hearted mood lately. I have been learning a great deal about my perceptions lately. Usally it gets me in trouble. For example, I perceive a relationship to be one way and then I over think what the other person perceives the relationship to be, open my mouth about how I'm hurt and bang! Bad move. Back in the days of Bobbie, she would have me verbaly say to Bill, "From my perception..." It was terrific. Not only did Bill hear ok , this is how she sees things, I was reminded that maybe I didn't have it right. We have moved past that however, now I think it could be a valuable tool in my friendships. I have never been a real emotional type girl. I think the hardest part about friendships for me is figuring out where you stand. Like remember in high school it was easy to figure out your BFFs. It was who you spent every passing period and lunch with. You had lots of "friends" but your closest ones were the ones you spent most of your time with.  As adult women it gets weird. Why is she going to lunch. nails, coffee, etc with her and not me? Yuck!! Why are women so weird like that? That is why guys think we're crazy! The whole idea of friendships and the seasons they go through are very um don't even have a word for it to me.

Change...

Ok that has been the only constant lately. We have so many open "boxes" right now.
 Too many to get into. So I've have tried to stay focused on the present. I'm a planner by nature, so this is really hard. Any way there are so many unknowns in our future right now I just can't process them all.When I start to think about my life with any one one of these changes I fell very insecure. What will my life look like if I go back to teaching? Who will be my friends? When will I get to hang out with them? How many people will "replace" me? Ugg. Will there be a different job opening somewhere else? Lord, what do you have for me and my family? I'm glad He knows. I will be very happy when he decides to let me in. Really this was a venting post of my frustration. I had a momentary lack of focus on the present. I promise to post some light hearted pics of Daley's birthday tomorrow.

Let me clarify

I thought of girls night because when I was talking to a friend who played bunco she said that is what they did. Sometimes they played bunco, sometimes catch phrase, sometimes nothing. I was in a bunco group last year. I liked playing bunco. However, I'm a talker. And trying to connect with people, count, and switch. It was kinda like speed dating. I just want to hang out! My friend said they still took everyones $10 so they could do something fun! OK so who else is lazy and just want to hang out?????